A man Atlantic ocean away came here to Europe to see me.
He might be unique, but he’s not the only one. We might have the chemistry, but it’s not for the first and not the last time…
Plenty fish in the sea, they say.
She watches them swim, come and go, she stares at them, compares them, wins and loses them, contemplates them. She sees them as strangers, she sees them as brothers, as fathers, as husbands, as lovers… She sees them. There they are, swimming, the opposite sex, the menfish.
And here he sits in a cafe across me. My cup is empty, but I drink on anyway, to avoid staring him into the eyes, as he avoid looking me into the eyes last time. This time, his eyes expect something in return. I wanted to tell him that it’s not the right time, that everything is alright and that something might happen, but right now is not the right time. That’s what I wanted to tell him. But of course, I said nothing. I could only hope that he’ll be smart enough to understand it all later. I hoped he would be smart and patient enough.
This isn’t a professional meeting, although it looked like ti. It’s Sunday afternoon and passion made him woke up early and come to this cafe. Passion and curiosity made him cross the Atlantic.
“Jade, I love you,” he suddenly said it out loud.
But love is when you say nothing! What could you say? What matters? Nothing. I love you too, but… Now is not the right time. Two of us, we are everything. I love you too. Love you so much that I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I enjoy nothing. I can’t concentrate, I can’t invest into the new. I just keep on thinking of you and knowing that you’re far away. But now you’re here, and you’re telling me that you too, love me. And you have this desire, this burning desire in your eyes. You use all the other tools to express your desire, because speaking eliminates desire, makes it banal, makes it too obvious, unnatural. I wish you would stop speaking, but this time you don’t, you keep on explaining me now why you came, why you waited, what happened in-between and what is happening now, and how I should move back to States, how we should get married, and I should get the visa and move in with you. How we should later buy a summerhouse in Santa Cruz and start surfing, together. Surfing on those waves of life. Together.
But I knew that my life would go on writing itself without any help of me or you. Life happened because I was always free, my state of mind has always been free, I dictated the beat and set up the rhythm while the play button was pushed down for this one. The sound of my life played on. And now you… I love you. I love you too. But you want to change my rhythm, and it’s not the right time. You want to be the beat maker of my life. What to do… Moving across Atlantic is romantic, but… I don’t know, I can’t make up my mind. To make a statement or a declaration, one has to find a word, a label. My label has been so far a passenger, a temporary passenger, a nomad writing her book of life on her own.
And in the public…
Sitting here in this café in the public. There was something obscene and embarrassing about appearing in public when still in the first phase of desire and being in love, admitting that we’re both in love. The waiter, the coffee, the menu, the café, the city. This all seemed too much. Once you told me, that you want to go the abandoned beach and just be there, together, and no one else, just us, and I will be yours. It’s a private ownership, isn’t it? The world shouldn’t know that he’s mine and I’m his! And it goes all wrong when you start enjoying the public too much. And he… apparently he’s a property of public, even here, across the Atlantic he manages to see people who know him. Even during our coffee hour, there are men passing by and saying hi. Nodding behind my back for an approval – “That’s a good one, Brian. Good catch!”
Love isn’t a social game. It can’t be shared with friends, put into words… It can only be felt in between the two. In silence. With no disruption, disturbance, and it should feel endless. An endless well-kept secret in between the two. You is me, and me is you, yet we’re different and unique on our own. He is the other in whom I can recognize myself… I first became interested in him when I saw his work. He was talented, honest and hard-working. We clicked straightaway. Made some projects together. And I never laughed so much in my life as I did with him. This whole existence was a movie, and the time we spent together still seems unreal. But it is real and in the now.
The point of desire is that you have to cross to reach to other shore. As he did. He desired me. He crossed the Atlantic Ocean. He admitted that he loved me. He wanted to marry me. And I… I couldn’t give up my freedom right now. I loved him, but I couldn’t give away my heart. My heart that I finally managed to heal and kept on protecting now. They also say that you shouldn’t give away your full heart. Never jump into the sea without taking a deep breath of air. This sea was too big for me, and I couldn’t make this jump with him. There will always be a chance to forget later.
But I never forgot him…